Somewhere Out There

Somewhere out there is my other half. Somewhere out there is my dreams coming true. Somewhere out there is me who has succeeded in life. Somewhere out there is my patience slowly drifting away from me.

More importantly, somewhere out there is just me struggling and wading through life.



It's finally September and this got me into my usual cycle of deep thinking. Whether all that I'm doing currently is the best effort I've put out. I recall I have requested the boy i tutor to come for classes just before his big public elementary exam. I am aware when pushed to my limit I get cranky but nevertheless still understanding towards people. Perhaps I can be quite daft at times. But it hasn't stop me from feeling. Memories are stored and flashbacks I play in my mind. Observing others is key; that's my way of learning.

Recently I was called to be a bridesmaid to a dearest friend - my piano tutor. The wedding ceremony was splendid and funny.I help to serve tea so that the newlyweds can give it to the elders to drink, a sign of respect. The evening event was all the more splendid. I am ever so grateful to be seated together with my mother at one of the tables closest to the bride and her groom. The experience of getting ready for this event was so much of a rush. But the fruits of the effort put out was well enjoyed.

One day maybe, my time will come. I hope it will be a good man I will marry.

feeling close towards my self-discovery journey

I fondly recall the first post i'd created last week since ages ago. This time I thought it'd be nice to (sort of) continue with that course. I previously talked about self-acceptance as my number one item to cross off my bucket list. And i'd asked myself the question what would be the second one to cross off. I had a strongly unwavering feeling towards being independent.

There are so many things or ways that show we are independent individuals. Suffice to say twenty-something is the right age to be actually (if not completely) independent and become your own boss of the decisions you make in life - be it trivial matters or grave ones.

Looking at the independent people around me got me quite overwhelmed with myself. I question myself daily, "am I not independent enough?" This led me to go back to my roots as a Catholic.

I have been playing with the imagery in my head. What if one day a child asks me how to pray the prayers we all need to pray? How do one pray the Rosary? Questions like that one also brought me back to the time when my godmother asked me if I pray the Rosary myself. No i don't i said to her. and hence now I am on the course of relearning the basics which i have forgotten.


I have always had this inclination to pray the Hail Mary prayer, which led me to do a bit of research regarding Her prayers and searching for verses regarding her life in the Bible. I also began praying Her prayers three times every night, each time with the invocation i found from a Catholic website. I don't know if this can be considered a form of miracle, but the more i keep tabs to pray Her prayer, the more drawn I am to Her. I dare say saying her prayer had given me a lot of faith to hold on, and hope for the best outcome in my future. There's no demand in me that my needs must be answered through my prayers to Her. What's there is only solace to help me cope with life.

I decided to blog today, so i can let go of my inhibitions.

I don't think i have been on a hiatus of writing about myself or anything at all. And here I am today typing away on an entry which i think is one of the most important aspects in my discovery of self (which in fact has not yet ended; i thought it had). Lately I have been very intrigued with the word everybody knows - bucket list. So many people's bucket list involve of them going for a travel to somewhere exotic, or somewhere that poses a lot of challenges for them to encounter. And at a deep pondering of this association of people's wishlists (could be another name for bucket list in my humble opinion), I wonder what is my bucket list? Do I even have one? 

Now comes the more serious thought - do I have anything I wish to do ahead of my time now? I am so sure then that people without a bucket list are people who have no whatsoever desires for improvement/betterment in their lives. For once I considered myself to be one of them. 

As i continued to think of this from a different perspective, i in fact do have a bucket list, only that mine is slightly unique from the mainstream (i don't think i'm the only one out there in the WWW). 

I have always thought my life would turn out great just like all the films I've seen in TV and cinemas. But came that day that shattered my dreams, but mostly my self- esteem, and I was definitely scarred for good. To accept that reality is utmost importance for me; to be able to convey that  to the people around me without feeling pity for myself is new found strength. I want to be normal, and I am. All i had to do was to accept what is there.

That's first on my bucket list. To achieve self-acceptance of my scarred self. What would be the second one?

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(still thinking)